(it's nice to know that my blog was missed last week... operation internet celebrity is a go.)
this week, we're talking about how i was a horrible date and if this guy had a dating blog, he would have probably written about ME!!! really, it was awkward all the way around.
we met up at a DC bar post holiday bar crawl with my bestie and her work friends. i was already toasty when i met up with him plus i was nervous... and one of my girlfriends was bartending. it was like an axis of aweome foreshadowing some terrific adventure. and by terrific, i mean terrible.
we will call him... tattoo chef. TC works at a nice restaurant in DC and is covered in tattoos. tall, teddy bear guy. not really my type but my type hasn't worked for me in the past so there you go. i'm being open minded. we had some drinks, chit chatted... yadda yadda... next thing i know, the bar is closed and i am totally shit faced. there is no way i am driving home, so TC offers to let me crash at his house. i really didn't want to, but my options were that or sleeping in my car... and it's fucking cold in DC. so i stumble back to his house, walking into walls, and trying not to be so obvious by closing one eye so i can see where i'm going.
we get to his house and we are in his bedroom... he brings me a cup of water and goes to the bathroom. i proceed to puke into my glass of water and some got on his bed... OMG... so now i'm freaking out, trying to hide my puke water while cleaning up the puke stain on the bed. i manage to slide past him into the bathroom, where i clean out my glass and chug a couple glasses of water for good measure. and now i'm back in his room, we are making out... i was really too drunk to even do that so i roll over and try to be still as my stomach is fighting to dispell everything i have ever eaten or drank in my entire 31 years.
this is where is gets (more) awkward. TC pulls out his penis and starts jacking off... he cums, and then goes to sleep. in my drunken state i'm like whatever... but thinking about it later after i'd sobered up, i want to know... WHO DOES THAT?
the next morning, we wake up and he's an hour late to work. i feel like i'm still drunk and i want to die. we walk into his living room to leave and we're greeted by his roommate and the roommate's girlfriend. they seemed surprised that TC has a lady with him and they were super friendly and trying to engage me. i just wanted to get outside before i projectile vomited all over their pristine home.
TC and i said our goodbyes... he didn't offer to walk me to my car but i let that one slide. he was late to work and i needed to get away from him in case i went pukey mcpukerson again. i got home and drank another liter of water and started peeling off my clothes. i couldn't figure out why it still smelled like puke... until i took off my boots. somehow, when i had puked into my glass and on his bed, i also managed to puke into my boots. the inside of the boot was covered in vomit. absolutely disgusting!!!!! those boots went straight in the trash.
i spent the rest of that day feeling like death. it was horrible. one of my closest friends was celebrating his birthday and i lasted all of 30 minutes at his dinner party. i swore off alcohol for life, but i've come around. in the future, i know that 8 jack and cokes, 1 irish car bomb, and a ham sandwich for dinner will not cut it.
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