the fister returns

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT -- IF WE ARE FACEBOOK FRIENDS, I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT YOU. 

 (now all you men can breathe a sigh of relief)

once upon a time in 2005, i met J through yahoo personals (back when that was THE free dating site... i don't think okcupid was around then).  J took me out to dinner to my favorite restaurant at the time, jaleo, and we immediately hit it off.  J is tall and lanky and incredibly dorky looking, which i have a thing for.  he has a good job with the government and his own car and his own place, which unfortunately at the time was a rare occurance in my dating life.

now after the date, i made the mistake (fueled by a pitcher of sangria) to invite him back to my apartment where we had crazy sex for hours.  it was awesome.... then.... nothing.  no call, no texts, it was like crickets chirping!!  and i was PISSED.  i rarely have one night stands (and now it's a huge no no, three dates minimum) and i was mad at myself for letting him get one over on me.  he did send me an email a couple weeks after our date apologizing and letting me know he was leaving for pakistan on a three year assignment.  peace out motherfucker!!!

fast forward to present day.  lo and behold, who messages me on okcupid but J?!  he's back in the states and do i remember our tryst?  well duh, yes, and i also remember him disappearing.  i gave him shit and he apologized profusely.  i decided that i would allow him to make it up to me, but ain't no way in HELL i'm having sex with him again for awhile.  and yes reader, i realize that he may just be telling me what i want to hear, but the man is sexy and i WANT to give him a second chance.  :P

so at this point, we've been chatting for a few weeks.  he's so busy that he makes me feel like my busy life is twiddling thumbs comparatively.  his schedule is absolutely absurd.  he mentioned going out to dinner later this week so i texted him today to see about making plans.  he replies that he's leaving for denver this afternoon.  BLAH.

that's it.  enough is enough, this is obviously not meant to be.  and disappointing too, because out of all my prospective dates, J is the one i'm most interested in.....  i told him that this is not meant to be and to have a nice trip.  i'm giving up.

that seemed to do the trick.  next thing i know, my phone is chiming non-stop with texts asking me to meet him for coffee.  which i did, making it the quickest date in the history of dates.  i think speed dating was longer.

i'll give him this... as we were sitting at the starbucks in pentagon city mall, he's getting alerts that they are pre-boarding his flight.  he still needed to go home to DC, pack, and get a taxi back to national airport.

we're going out to dinner most likely in the new year since he returns from colorado and i leave the next day for a business trip.  he's going to make it up to me.  he freaking better!!!!


***


in other news, the scientist and i had a second date.  this one went much better and i'm starting to like him more, but i don't think we're on the same page in that concern.  he's trying to spend every day with me and that's not what i want (from him).  our happy hour drinks date turned into another $100 dinner where we (thankfully) had more to talk about.  he did make me blush which is incredibly rare, and he was a gentleman.  we had our first kiss... no tongue.  so i'm confused... he seems to want to take it slow but in the same token every day he's texting me to hang out.  he wanted to do lunch yesterday, he want to chit chat last night, he wants to go to the movies tonight, he wants to go out tomorrow... yikes!

he probably wants to bone me.  i'd want to bone me.  instead i've made plans to hang out with one of my BFFs tonight.  one date per day is enough for this diva!!

the scientist

there's been quite a lull in my dating adventures.  i was feeling bitter after my last date flop (the asshole that stood me up and got into a relationship hours later) and i didn't want to waste my time or put myself out there.  thankfully, i wasn't pressed over this next guy.  lesson learned.

N is someone i met online and he invited me out to dinner.  i chose trattoria de franco, one of my most favorite italian restaurants in old town alexandria.  amazing food.  the company was decent... we never ran out of things to talk to but admittedly it was more me asking questions than talking.  he was shorter than i like but i really am trying to be more open-minded and not conform men into one mold.  on the other hand, shouldn't i only date tall men if that's what i'm attracted to??

i did agree to a second date, but i get the feeling with N's almost daily texts that he's more interested in me than i am in him.  we shall see.  i'm not giving up yet but he's not at the top of my list.  i will give him this... despite talking about money a lot in a way that made him seem cheap, he dropped nearly $100 on dinner.  plus he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye. 

 if nothing else, this mystery science experiment is a way for me to become more comfortable with dating.  it really is like a job interview... trying to give the best answers to a question and showing yourself in a good light.  N seems good on paper but i didn't get that spark. 

which brings me to another thing...

one of my guy friends dipped off the face of the earth for months only to recently reappear (it's a christmas miracle!!)  when i asked him what happened, he explained his concerns that i would write about him, here on my blog.  i can see where he's coming from and i explained that i would never write about him for various reasons.  then he was disappointed that i wouldn't write about him.  men are so funny.

so here ya go, mister!  i wrote about you!

two dates scheduled for next week.... until then.

first world problems

okcupid hasn't been so good to me this time.  i really need to delete that fucking thing, it's a source of utter bullshit.  i met a couple this weekend who gave me hope (they met on OKC and have been together for a couple years) but ehhh.  it's hard to stay positive sometimes.

--was contacted by a really cute guy who wanted to take me out to lunch.  we had mutual friends and were actually facebook friends (he added me) for awhile.  the day of our date, he texts me that he has to work late but he really wants to see me soon.  and two hours later, he updates his facebook status to "in a relationship".

baby dick motherfucker!

--i messaged a guy who i thought was cute and we had a lot of mutual interests.  he writes me back today:

Hey, you seem cool.

I just don't see us being that good a fit for anything serious and since you aren't looking for something casual I don't think we'd fit well at all. But I wish you luck in the wilderness of online dating. :) 

LAME.

--then later, i get a message from this guy i messed around with last year.  i found out that after he left a ring in my car that i couldn't send it to his house because his GIRLFRIEND would find out.  yeah.  he emailed me to let me know he's single now.

i didn't have sex with him the first time because he has a BABY DICK!  ignore.

--and finally, the cute guy at the gym.  i try not to stare at him so i go between purposely ignoring him and smiling at him when our eyes meet.  so today i'm doing my thing on the weight circuit and we end up facing each other.... so he starts hitting on another lady.

i really know how to pick them, huh???

Oops, I did it again

I did something I never thought I'd do... I joined OkCupid again. For those of you not in the know, OKC is a free dating website, trolling with men looking for one night stands. It's like Craigslist casual encounters but with more dialogue and pictures. The last time I was on OKC was the source of most of the blog posts you'll find on here. Needless to say, I haven't had the best of luck.

I've neglected this blog for close to two months because I haven't had anything to write about. Sure, there's the guy from your past trying to make a booty call or phone numbers exchanged at bars but that's it. Those are status updates on Facebook and I need blog material.

Let's hope this time I have more positive stories to write about then crazy ones.

I also signed up for speed dating... Stay tuned.

i hate you, greg behrendt

wow, it's been so long since i updated!  sorry about that, been busy being fabulous.

(the DC diva, in the flesh)

now, for the much anticipated next blog by the DC Diva..

i'm not much of a reader but i've always been drawn to publications about dating and sex.  it all started when i was fourteen and borrowed my friend's "dummies guide to sex" and declared i would be the next dr ruth.  i had a subscription to seventeen but would sneak and buy cosmo.  i wasn't dating, but more so i was teaching myself how to date should i ever have the opportunity.  i was a very awkward teenager and needed all the help i could get!

(ok, so i wasn't this bad.  my hair was longer and i didn't wear eyeshadow below my eyes.  but close.)

i got an ipad for christmas 2010 that came with the ibooks app and i decided this would be a perfect opportunity for me to start reading again. i wanted to start easy, so i purchased "he's just not that into you".

i had always wanted to read this and i was hoping the book would give me some guidance.  at this point, my last serious relationship ended two years ago and i want to meet better quality men (see my previous posts for examples).

 

(or look at this picture.  you get the idea.)

"he's just that into you" gave me some tips of things i was doing "wrong":
-he's not into you if he's not asking you out. you are good enough to be asked out.
-he's not into you if he's not dating you.  "hanging out" is not dating.
-he's not into you if he's not having sex with you.  there's someone out there that does want to have sex with you.

i have experienced all of these things.  it was like light bulbs were going off in my head.  OMG he's right!  i will never ask a man out again, i will not "hang out" with a man, i will let the guy come to me because if he really likes me, he will make it known.  as i kept reading on, however, i began to realize that every single man i've ever dated long term was not into me.  overall, it just left me feeling discouraged.

now, i have a crush on a guy that does lawn work for me.  he's much older than me and everytime i see him or we text, all i can think is "ahhhh i like this guy and i want to ask him out" until i hear greg behrendt's voice saying "if he liked you, he would ask you out".

 

(i hate you, greg behrendt.)

biggest lesson i learned...

he's just not that into you if he's breathing.

maybe he's cheap because he has so little to give

for those of you who know me well, you know that i like to party, smoke, and drink socially.  that's why it was so strange when i started dating T who did none of these things.  we met off of yahoo personals back before sites like match.com and eharmony were popular.  i knew he didn't drink or smoke but i still wanted to give him a chance.  he was cute -- tall, nerd glasses, lots of tattoos, and he looked like he worked out.  sexy times!

(there are plenty of hot straight edge men.  take henry rollings for example.)

our first date we met in old town alexandria.   we got starbucks (i paid for myself) and we walked around.  T didn't have much to say and i was nervous so i rambled on about nonsense.

second date was more walking around and more paying for myself.  this time, we went to bertuccis in old town.

our third date was my annual new year's eve party.  i told all of my friends about this hot tattooed man... who was straight edge.  he didn't care about me drinking or smoking but he didn't do it himself.  i was weirded out by the whole thing.... and i still wasn't quite sure what i thought of T.  even after our third date, i still found him to be quiet and shut off.  i thought he was shy at first but now he's becoming increasingly boring.

after more chatting on the phone and a couple more uneventful dates, we make a date to go to kyoto japanese restaurant in alexandria.

(this was my first time there and i've been back several times.  the food is really good!!)

he picks me up and as we arrive, i joke with him that i'm so hungry i could eat the ocean.  he says "well i only budgeted for you to get 2 rolls."  way to make it awkward!  we go inside and i order my two sushi rolls.  we have our same conversation of me asking him questions and him giving me short answers in return.  boring!

we go back to my house and start fooling around.  he is NOT a good kisser.

he's doing that tongue dart thing and the whole thing feels very un-sexy.  i try to kiss him in the way i like to be kissed but he is not getting the hint.  next thing i know, his pants are off.  surprise!  i was not prepared for that.  i like the more gradual approach to fooling around.  yes, we've had about six dates at this point but we hadn't kissed at all and now your pants are off!!!

so... i glanced down at his penis, hoping it was long or thick or both...

no.

IT WAS A BABY DICK!!!

i think T was the original "baby dick", a moniker i give to men that have little dicks.  so sad for T.  his looked like a thumb that had been partially amputated.  between that and his terrible kissing skills, i knew i could not work with this.

i told T "oops sorry, i forgot i have a meeting in the morning" and he was out the door in a flash.  he was not happy and i could see it in his face.  sorry T, just because you finally paid for my 2 sushi roll dinner does not mean i owe you anything.

he called and left several voice mails after that.  the last one he was yelling "YOU BETTER CALL ME!!" which i did not do.

when i joined match.com last month, he found me on there and checked out my profile.  i checked his out too and he hasn't changed a bit.  poor T... you will find someone.

re-connecting with the past

when i was sixteen, i worked at a local pizza place with some of my high school friends.  i loved working there and we were so bad, but we laughed a lot and always had stories to tell.  one of my co-workers, R, became good friends with our group.  he cooked so we worked closely together since i was a cashier.  and when they needed us at other locations, we both waited tables.

i used to have a monster crush on him, but i was even more shy back then and he could barely speak english so it didn't go anywhere.  he was shy too and so we just stayed friends.  after i left the pizza place, i lost touch with him.  i remember my co-worker/friend mentioning they hung out with him one time, but for all intents and purposes i never saw or heard from him again.

fast forward twelve years and i'm out at the auld shebeen in fairfax (a bar i have never been to) celebrating a friend's birthday.  we go outside to smoke and who walks by but R!  we immediately recognized each other and exchanged phone numbers.  i was so excited.  i had been thinking of him the week prior and there he is, back in my universe.

we've gone out twice since then -- once walking all over old town alexandria followed by dinner, ice cream, and a couple hours sitting and talking at the marina.  and then again out for drinks at the auld shebeen.

i like him a lot and will see where things go.  it's so nice to finally have a positive story to write about!

put me on your do not call list

a few weeks ago, i went to buffalo wild wings with my sister and her friends.  we had a fabulous time!  laughing, story telling, enjoying a friday night and great company.  i was drinking guinness, my favorite beer ever.  when it was time for a refill, lo and behold, the bartender brings me another drink.  "the man at the bar bought this for you."

(SWEET!  the only thing i love more than guinness is FREE guinness)

my sister went to the bar to try and figure out who the mystery guinness man is.  she returns and reports it's a black man.  YAY!  +1 man at the bar.  then he walked by.....  i didn't get a great look at him but he is short.  -1 man at the bar.

as we are waiting for our check, the waitress brings me a note.

(okay fine, i will go and see what this guy is about.)

as i approach the bar, the guy turns around and introduces himself.  he's wearing a black windbreaker and an adidas backpack... not sure how that is a "chef's coat".  he's wasted, eyes going all over the place and i could smell booze on his breath.  he introduces himself and tells me he saw me outside and had to talk to me.  he compliments my eyes and asks for my number right when my sister walks up to save me.

i gave him my number because i never know what to do in situations like that.  i knew it wasn't going to happen with him -- too short, too drunk, and reminds me way too much of my cheater ex.  been there, done that.  so why did i give it to him?!  ACK.  30 minutes later he's already texting me, spelling everything wrong including his name.  nice job.  he called again last night.  hoping he doesn't turn into the 2005 phone stalker!

what do you do when a man asks for your number and you're not interested?

FWB - gmail edition

(i have gmail open and a chat request pops up.  i think J is some dude in colorado until i realize J lives in arlington.)

 J:  I wonder how we started chatting

lol

through CL?

 me:  i have no idea

trying to figure that out myself......

 looks like you bcc'ed me in an email 2 weeks ago

"Hey there! How is it going?  What you been upto lately? Any plans for the weekend?"

(this is when i realize this dude doesn't even know who i am.  he's one of those dudes that go onto dating websites and messages every single woman the same message.  statistically, at least one will take him up on the offer.  i don't even know how he got my email address but bcc'ing me?  i ain't the one.  still, i chat for the amusement factor.)

 J:  yeah, lol

I was trying to figure out how we met

do you use CL?

or OKC?

 me:  okcupid

but i deleted my profile awhile back

too many assholes

J:  why do you think they were assholes?

 me:  well, one had a girlfriend

a few had pictures that were 5-7 years old

most just wanted sex

that's what CL is for 

J:  haha

you not lookig for that I take it?

 me:  no

are you?

 J:  not really, not like I am going out to look for it, but I am open to it if I find the right match

you?

 me:  i want to get to know someone and see what happens

i'm not opposed to sex, but most certainly not on a first date

 J:  yeah, actually me too

always a good idea to know the person

it's always better then

 me:  amen!

so have you had luck with CL or OKC?

 J:  naah, not really

I am not looking for a relationship right now

you?

 me:  that's a good question
i want to find someone special, right now i'm trying to enjoy my life and have fun

so if i meet someone great, if not it's not the end of the world

i stay pretty busy

 J:  ok, I see your point

 me:  i'm not opposed to a relationship but he would need to be awesome

J:  yeah

I want to find someone to have fun with

both in and out of the bedroom, like a best fwb

because honestly, I am too busy to be in a relationship, but miss sex and fun outside with a best friend

(seriously, are there any men out there that AREN'T looking for fwb?)

 me:  so you want the fun stuff but not the commitment??

J:  kinda, I am open to commitment if I find someone great

 me: well if the women on OKC are anything like the men, i'm sure you'll find your fwb

 J:  ha!

you not looking for a similar deal then?

 me:  fwb?

no!

 J:  ha! ok

 me:  i'm looking for drinks and conversation

maybe making out if you are funny and have nice teeth

i don't even know what you look like

 J:  lol, I can send you pics

can I see yours?

 me:  of course

(not)

 J:  sent

ladies, he's not my type.  if he's your type, i'm happy to forward you his email address so he can BCC and FWB and all that good stuff.

(i've blocked J on gmail)

i love this bar cuz it's cheap

DJ was another man i met from OKCupid.  i don't recall how we started chatting, but i agreed to meet him in DC for a drink.  i think he may have messaged me earlier that day to hang out and since i didn't have plans, i decided why not.

as i'm getting ready, my sister comes over to visit and i show her DJ's OKCupid profile.  somehow, while i was in the shower (shaving my legs, wtf am i thinking), she finds his facebook profile.

(two things the author has learned in this online dating world; they're always 2 inches shorter and their pictures are OLD)

he looks NOTHING like his profile picture.  my sister refers to him as a troll.  i still agree to go out with him because i didn't want to cancel.

(what am i trying to prove?!)

as i'm headed out to meet him, he texts me and asks to be picked up so he won't have to take a taxi.  me, trying to be a nice person, agrees to do it.  probably stupid at the time, but eh.


we get to the dimly lit bar, fox and hounds, and take a seat by the window. i love dive bars but felt waaaay too overdressed.  why did i wear this hot dress?!?!?!?!  why did i shave my legs?!  do i have a concussion?!

DJ brings back our drinks.  2 glasses, each filled to the brim with ice.  liquor poured inside, almost full, and a small glass bottle of soda.  apparently we have to mix our own drinks. 

(isn't that the bartenders job?) 

DJ starts talking about the bar and how he loves it when this gem comes out...


i love this bar cuz it's cheap!!!

wow.  i don't expect a man to shower me with expensive things.  i'm happier connecting with someone on an intellectual and emotional level.  that aside, it is a first date (which to me feels like a job interview with bonus booze).  i've already given him a ride because he's too cheap to take a cab.  now he's overly excited about cheap drinks. 

he dominated the conversation.  i didn't mind too much as i get shy around men when i first meet them.  i asked about his job as a preschool teacher which he had mentioned in his profile. he tells me that it's not really his job, he just stands on the playground and watches over the kids.  his real job is a cashier at a local co-op, but his dream, his five year plan... 

to be a dog walker

not the owner of a dog walking company.  no.  just a dog walker. 

(it takes five years to do that?)

he quickly changes the subject to me and my dress.  "the inside of your thighs are sexy".  i immediately shut my legs, somewhat tighter than necessary, and pulled down my dress.

i excused myself to the bathroom where i called my sister and begged for advice on how to get the hell out.  i ultimately told him i had a meeting in the morning i'd forgotten about and i tried to dash out.  he followed my outside and bummed his third or forth smoke from me.  he leaned in to give me a hug but then tried to kiss me.  i had to squat down and pull myself out of his embrace.

i ran to my car and sped home.



lesson learned.  do your research.

i never heard from DJ again.  i imagine he's still working on his goal to walk dogs.  four more years til that dream comes to fruition.

A aka teeth

i have a thing about teeth.  i like teeth; ones that are clean, smell nice, and aren't too crooked.  i've had a penchant recently for gapped teeth.  i used to hate them until i realized just how special that gap can be for oral sex.  :)

(my future husband, michael strahan)

when i meet a man that has bad teeth, it's a huge turn off.  i can overlook crooked teeth, but when i can smell that you haven't brushed your teeth in 412 days while you're chewing gum, we have a problem.  floss, what's that?

(note to the reader, i had my dental check-up today.  no cavities.  my dentist told me my teeth were spectacular.)

so... A aka teeth.  he was the first man i met from OKCupid.  average height, black, great job, own place, cute, excellent manners.  we met at "the only bar in DC where you can still smoke" -- a cigar bar on M i believe.  he was a gentleman, standing up every time i got up or when i came to sit down.  "that's what a real man does."

manners aside, he talked a lot about his job.  people in DC really care about that.  he was a lot shorter than he claimed.  i'm 5'8" in heels and i was definitely taller.    his teeth were fucked up.  they looked as if they were rotting inside his skull.  it's very unfortunate to listen to a man carry on about how successful he is with that shit in his mouth.  YUCK!

things improved when we moved to another bar in woodley park.  we were both a little more drunk - yay social lubricant.  he seemed to let his guard down too and i was having more fun.

(i'm thinking to myself, "ok, maybe his teeth aren't that bad.  that last bar had bad lighting.")

we got hungry and ended up at the diner.  he held the door, pulled out my chair, the whole nine.  it was nice to be treated so well.  but... don't get too excited.  this is when things got interesting.  he started trying to convince me to go home with him.

me: i don't go home with a guy on the first date.
him: techinically it's tomorrow.

nice one.  not happening.

i make a point to NOT shave before a first date so i won't go home with a dude.  he tells me that he will shave me in his bath tub.

(why did i tell him this?  don't drink 5 strong drinks in 3 hours.  also,

ewww.)

we ended up making out on my car parked right across from the diner.  on a thursday night.  people were hollering.  i enjoyed the kissing until a few minutes in when the foul i've never used floss in my life taste found it's way into my mouth.

never heard from him again.  i'm ok with that.