i love this bar cuz it's cheap

DJ was another man i met from OKCupid.  i don't recall how we started chatting, but i agreed to meet him in DC for a drink.  i think he may have messaged me earlier that day to hang out and since i didn't have plans, i decided why not.

as i'm getting ready, my sister comes over to visit and i show her DJ's OKCupid profile.  somehow, while i was in the shower (shaving my legs, wtf am i thinking), she finds his facebook profile.

(two things the author has learned in this online dating world; they're always 2 inches shorter and their pictures are OLD)

he looks NOTHING like his profile picture.  my sister refers to him as a troll.  i still agree to go out with him because i didn't want to cancel.

(what am i trying to prove?!)

as i'm headed out to meet him, he texts me and asks to be picked up so he won't have to take a taxi.  me, trying to be a nice person, agrees to do it.  probably stupid at the time, but eh.


we get to the dimly lit bar, fox and hounds, and take a seat by the window. i love dive bars but felt waaaay too overdressed.  why did i wear this hot dress?!?!?!?!  why did i shave my legs?!  do i have a concussion?!

DJ brings back our drinks.  2 glasses, each filled to the brim with ice.  liquor poured inside, almost full, and a small glass bottle of soda.  apparently we have to mix our own drinks. 

(isn't that the bartenders job?) 

DJ starts talking about the bar and how he loves it when this gem comes out...


i love this bar cuz it's cheap!!!

wow.  i don't expect a man to shower me with expensive things.  i'm happier connecting with someone on an intellectual and emotional level.  that aside, it is a first date (which to me feels like a job interview with bonus booze).  i've already given him a ride because he's too cheap to take a cab.  now he's overly excited about cheap drinks. 

he dominated the conversation.  i didn't mind too much as i get shy around men when i first meet them.  i asked about his job as a preschool teacher which he had mentioned in his profile. he tells me that it's not really his job, he just stands on the playground and watches over the kids.  his real job is a cashier at a local co-op, but his dream, his five year plan... 

to be a dog walker

not the owner of a dog walking company.  no.  just a dog walker. 

(it takes five years to do that?)

he quickly changes the subject to me and my dress.  "the inside of your thighs are sexy".  i immediately shut my legs, somewhat tighter than necessary, and pulled down my dress.

i excused myself to the bathroom where i called my sister and begged for advice on how to get the hell out.  i ultimately told him i had a meeting in the morning i'd forgotten about and i tried to dash out.  he followed my outside and bummed his third or forth smoke from me.  he leaned in to give me a hug but then tried to kiss me.  i had to squat down and pull myself out of his embrace.

i ran to my car and sped home.



lesson learned.  do your research.

i never heard from DJ again.  i imagine he's still working on his goal to walk dogs.  four more years til that dream comes to fruition.

A aka teeth

i have a thing about teeth.  i like teeth; ones that are clean, smell nice, and aren't too crooked.  i've had a penchant recently for gapped teeth.  i used to hate them until i realized just how special that gap can be for oral sex.  :)

(my future husband, michael strahan)

when i meet a man that has bad teeth, it's a huge turn off.  i can overlook crooked teeth, but when i can smell that you haven't brushed your teeth in 412 days while you're chewing gum, we have a problem.  floss, what's that?

(note to the reader, i had my dental check-up today.  no cavities.  my dentist told me my teeth were spectacular.)

so... A aka teeth.  he was the first man i met from OKCupid.  average height, black, great job, own place, cute, excellent manners.  we met at "the only bar in DC where you can still smoke" -- a cigar bar on M i believe.  he was a gentleman, standing up every time i got up or when i came to sit down.  "that's what a real man does."

manners aside, he talked a lot about his job.  people in DC really care about that.  he was a lot shorter than he claimed.  i'm 5'8" in heels and i was definitely taller.    his teeth were fucked up.  they looked as if they were rotting inside his skull.  it's very unfortunate to listen to a man carry on about how successful he is with that shit in his mouth.  YUCK!

things improved when we moved to another bar in woodley park.  we were both a little more drunk - yay social lubricant.  he seemed to let his guard down too and i was having more fun.

(i'm thinking to myself, "ok, maybe his teeth aren't that bad.  that last bar had bad lighting.")

we got hungry and ended up at the diner.  he held the door, pulled out my chair, the whole nine.  it was nice to be treated so well.  but... don't get too excited.  this is when things got interesting.  he started trying to convince me to go home with him.

me: i don't go home with a guy on the first date.
him: techinically it's tomorrow.

nice one.  not happening.

i make a point to NOT shave before a first date so i won't go home with a dude.  he tells me that he will shave me in his bath tub.

(why did i tell him this?  don't drink 5 strong drinks in 3 hours.  also,

ewww.)

we ended up making out on my car parked right across from the diner.  on a thursday night.  people were hollering.  i enjoyed the kissing until a few minutes in when the foul i've never used floss in my life taste found it's way into my mouth.

never heard from him again.  i'm ok with that.