(and by busy, i mean i got some.)
when my BFF was home visiting, she introduced me to an app called "tinder". tinder is a free app. facebook meets hot or not. you have the option of swiping photos that you do and do not like. similar facebook interests and even mutual friends are shown too. if you both swipe that you like each other, you match, and you're able to communicate. let me tell you... this shit is way addictive. swipe swipe swipe, sometimes accidentally swiping people no that you meant to swipe yes. also, don't reply right away. apparently, there's an art to tinder-ing. of all the men i swiped yes, there was one hottie mchotterson. he reminded me of this goth scene dude i had a major crush on when i was a teen. everyone who i showed his picture to agreed he's a hottie. we chatted on tinder here and there and figured we'd get together eventually.
new years eve, i went to bumfuck MD for a casino game night at a friends house. just me and 6 of my gay friends. it was perfect! as the night progressed on, the tinder dude started texting me and urging me to come over. normally i would say hell no... but everything was yelling HELL YES! i showed his picture to my friends and they told me GO! didn't hurt i was an hour from home and tinder dude lived 20 minutes away from my friend.
so i get to his house and wow......... this guy is FINE. jersey shore-ish. a bit taller than me, nice hair, humongous arms, tight body. he's from DC but he's italian and he has a jersey accent. we get to talking and he tells me he's irish catholic and has 11 brothers and sisters. whoa.
(and since his name begins with a "J", i tell him that his nickname is john dugger.)
he was cute and interesting, but his hosting skills sucked. he had 1 beer in the house and a box of condoms... nice to see he prepared for something, i guess. good job at the NIH, his own home, his own car... yes i can work with this. and i'm going to be good. i'm only going to make out with him. i am interested in this guy and we all know that sleeping together when you first meet is a no no.
all that was fine and dandy until we began making out. do i let him touch my boobs? oh shit, my nipple is in his mouth, okay......... and then i made that fatal mistake. i touched his penis.
now, i'm no size queen, but i'm a curvy gal and i prefer a "larger" man. sure, i've dated dudes that were smaller and that's ok, but i need a sneak peek of what i'm in store for, so i know for next time.
let me tell you... i saw his penis and i exclaimed "WELL THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING". think of a corona bottle. add about 2 inches in length and and inch in diameter and there you go. a true italian sausage.
(god bless america, mexico, DC, italy, and his parents for making this beautiful man)
we went thru the box of condoms that morning, new year's day... sex at 5am. sleep. sex at 7am. sleep. 9am he jacks himself off (what's up with men doing that?!). sleep. sex at 11am. sleep. at 2pm i woke up and headed home. we literally moved the bed from one side of the room to the other. it's a good thing his brother and his roommate were gone for the night.
shocker... he's been too busy to really even text me. i'm not mad. i've learned since then that tinder is really more like a casual sex app. grindr for straight folks. i don't regret what i did but i'm disappointed that john dugger also doesn't grasp the concept of foreplay. oh, and i left my brand new amazing scarf i got for christmas at his house. boo.
will i get my scarf back? i freaking hope so. everytime i've asked, i've been met with "i'm busy as fuck." yup. i won't see that scarf again.
i told him to mail it to me.
i will say this -- i've read that how you spend your new year's day will dictate how your year will go. by that logic, i will be getting a lot of azz in 2014. good for me, and great for my readers!
update 3/7/2014: THE SCARF CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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