i got dumped

Ahhh my neglected dating blog.  I only kind of missed you.  See, I had a boyfriend and was happy and hopeful for the future.  A man you've "met" before.  The gym man. 

When I met him, I was immediately enamored.  We dated for a couple months and it didn't work out.  Months later, we dated again for a couple months and it didn't work out.  I swore I was done with him, until one night January 2014, in a moment of weakness and 1.5 bottles of wine in, I invited him over.  We spent the next ten months dating until Veterans Day 2014, when I put my foot down and made the decision I wasn't going to be a booty call anymore and I wanted more of a commitment.

Things got better, there will still issues but he was trying and I was making huge strides opening up and being more transparent, an issue I've struggled with as long as I can remember.  That may have been my biggest downfall with him, being open.  He wasn't the best communicator and my biggest complaint was he would sometimes go "ghost" for days.  I explained my expectations of communication in relationship but he seemed to always fall short.  Getting stuck in his own head it seemed.

Easter weekend, we took our first trip together to Front Royal, VA.  We took a wine tour, ate some great food, relaxed, watched cartoons.. IT WAS AMAZING.  I felt so happy, so special, so cared for... and in another wine drunken moment of weakness, I told the gym man "I feel like I'm falling in love with you".  That was a lie.  It was love at first sight for me.  Early on, my gut said MARRY HIM.  Gym man was unlike any other man I had met and maybe it was chemistry and good pheromones and a lot of hope on my part that I no longer had to wade through the fucking bullshit that is the dating scene.

But that's not what happened.  Another check mark in the lose column.

We got home Sunday afternoon and went our separate ways for Easter dinner with our families.

Tuesday, I sent him a picture text.  No reply, but he didn't always get my picture texts so I didn't think much of it.

Wednesday, I texted him again without a picture.  No reply.

By Thursday, I was starting to feel kind of crazy.  Did he have an accident, was he hurt?  Did I do something wrong?  I told myself fuck it, he can have the silent treatment.  That didn't last long.  I called him because I couldn't take it anymore.  He told me he had been in his own head and thinking about the future.  "Thinking about the future" could be a positive, but not when your boyfriend has ignored you for the last 4 days.  He asked if he could call me later since he was headed to the gym.  I intentionally went out so I could miss his call.  I knew what was coming deep down.

We finally spoke that following Sunday.  I couldn't take being in limbo any longer and I had to know.  So I called him -- so fucked up I had to do that.  He told me he was disappointed in himself for not having the conversation in person.  And what he said next, I wish I could unhear.  I wish I could "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" myself.  It was so gut wrenching, so terrible.  The best way to describe how I felt?  As if my heart was a bright light bulb that someone had taken and smashed on the ground.  Then took a sledgehammer to it.  And then took a giant shit on it.

"I like you, but not as much as you like me, and I don't ever see that changing."

Big ouch.  The ULTIMATE form of rejection.  He's just not that into you.  And I had to be the one to call him to hear that.

He offered to reimburse me for our romantic weekend, since he admitted he had been feeling this way before the trip.  Which of course made me angry that I spent my time, money, and a weekend off work for someone who just liked me after dating almost 2 years total.  So when he sent me the money on Paypal, he itemized the entire thing.  Down to the cents.  My itemized relationship.

It's been two weeks now, I'm better than I was and not crying all the time.  I am hurt and angry, sad and depressed.  I'm terrified of opening myself up again and will take the time I need to recover before getting back on the dating scene, and hopefully continuing this blog with humorous stories in the future.

He's back on OkCupid.  Big big big ouch.

My friends have been 50/50.  Some reached out.  Some haven't.  One told me that he never liked me and was just using me until he found someone that was better suited for him.  So there's that. 

My mom told me I should try Match again.  I think because my sister met her husband on Match, she thinks it's the answer.

Right now, I'm trying to work on nourishing my soul and taking care of me.  I have two vacations coming up that I'm excited about.  I will be okay, this breakup really threw me for a loop as I thought things were really good.  And it leaves me questioning how I could have been so blind to this.

He'd have a great career in acting.