oh the joys of womenhood... this week's topic is that bitch
aunt flo and how she unexpectedly pops up and fucks up my life for 4 days.i can usually tell when she's coming, i get
emotional or testy and my gut starts talking to me.here's a breakdown of our fun itinerary:
(TMI STARTS HERE)
day one: blood, cramps, headaches, shitting
day two: crying at every commercial on tv, see day one.
day three: i transform into an evil bitch and want to fuck
people up with my words and actions.see
day one.
day four: feeling like a cat in heat, desire to have a man
turn me into a puddle, but unfortunately see day one.
to the guys that may be reading this far, i'm sorry... what
you read is a mirage.women don't poop.
to the ladies that may be reading this, why were we so
desperate to get our periods when we were young???can i get a do over??!
now... what do my bodily functions have to do with my dating
life?well, i have a dating fatwa when
flo comes to visit.i don't make dates
when "company" is in town.and
obviously i wouldn't fool around with someone when that's happening, but more
importantly i feel gross when it's happening.i abhor tampons and walking around with one half in and half out of your
vagina is the anti-sexy.i'd much rather
hide in my house and see ya next week.
i was supposed to have a dinner date end of last week with Mr SK but he was
non responsive.the day of the date i
texted him and asked if we were still doing dinner, he told me he was
overworked and tired but would call me.that was thursday and i'm still waiting for that call. i texted him today when i was going thru my 412 text messages, trying to clear out my inbox. he's been busy and had a friend in town...
(i'm not REALLY waiting... he's just not that into you)
the other guy i went on a date with last week... i'm not sure if we are the right fit so i haven't actively been pursuing it.
and then... one of my past dates/love interests/almost my boyfriend dudes has turned into a FWB. i'll tell you more about that when we meet again next week. for now, he is really digging my star stickers for a job well done....
no crazy stories to share this week -- i had a first date on monday with a new okcupid guy and it was mostly uneventful. we met at rosa mexicano for happy hour, but with him working late and me hitting DC traffic, we missed it. instead we had dinner on the restaurant side -- veggie tacos for me which were EHHHH. he was shy/quiet and didn't say too much until we were almost done with dinner. i think alcohol would have helped, but he got this weird look on his face and rattled off how cheap the happy hour drink specials were, so i felt weird about ordering a drink... so water for both of us. and those nasty tacos. by the way, don't utter the word "cheap" on a first date. seriously. this seems to be a running theme. the first date is your opportunity to WOW me.
(don't be this guy!)
i did offer to pay half the check (which i rarely do) because i really couldn't get a handle on him and something compelled me to offer. it was probably because of the way he acted at my suggestion of getting a drink. but he paid, and he did do one thing that really stuck out to me and my old fashioned dating desires... he picked up my coat and helped me put it on.
i've had long discussions with friends in person, on facebook... i don't care what you think, but i like a man who believes in chivalry. i want him to open the door for me, i want him to pay, i want to be treated like a lady and respected. that's not to say i'm weak and needy (far from it), but i believe that all woman want to be appreciated in that way... whether or not they'll admit it. i know i'm worth being treated like gold. it was really awesome that this guy went the extra gentleman step. we hugged goodbye and he wants to see me again so we're going out next week. he texted me later that night to make sure i made it home safe and again the next day. much nicer than those other assholes that develop temporary amnesia.
so... too soon to tell how i feel on this one. he's cute, he lives in the same city as me, he wants a girlfriend. i don't know if i can date another introvert though. i want a boyfriend... but i want someone to go out with. AND come home to.
i'm supposed to go out with the teacher from last week, tomorrow. what a fun life i lead :)
shocker alert... john duggar never called me back. i texted him a couple times to hang out (and more importantly, get my scarf). i was met with replies such as "sorry i'm busy as fuck". it was enough to make me feel like i'm beating a dead horse. so i will buy myself another scarf and keep it moving.
in bum me out news, my mountain man got a girlfriend. i can't be mad at him... 350 miles is a lot of distance and he's young. he probably dating some ohio redneck which makes me feel better. and as one of my besties pointed out, i can do better than a guy who proudly wears an "i heart boobies" belt.
and the gym man kind of popped back up, momentarily. my sister and her friend ran into him at the gym and shouted his name, making it an awkward situation for them. thankfully he hasn't reached out to me... that's the last thing i want to deal with!!!
i haven't been actively pursuing anyone on okcupid or tinder. this is the busy season with my career, so i've been more focused on my business hustle then men. when i do have a guy in my life, my business tends to go on the back burner whereas when i'm single, my business is ON FIRE! i'm motivated by money, recognition, and feeling good about myself... my business gives me that. these guys, not so much. i figure i will work on making me the best person and mister right will come along. this isn't to say i'm putting a fatwa on dating, rather i'm going to be patient and let him come to me.
so with all that said and all the updates.... i had a first date this week. guy from okcupid who i've been texting off and on for a month or so. with the holidays and our busy schedules, we never had a chance to meet sooner. he invited me out for drinks at russia house in dc. we will call him mr SK. he's a special education teacher for DC public schools, 3rd-5th grade. he lived in LA and dabbled in acting for 8 years. appearance wise, he's about my height, maybe a bit taller. brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, average build. not someone i would stop and stare at on the street, but not ugly either. we had some good conversation over our jack and cokes (yup, we like the same drink). we are both libras, have a theatre background in common too.
he walked me to my car and gave me some kisses -- i knew there would be kissing as he was getting in my face. nothing too crazy, very sweet and innocent. he told me he wants to see me again so we are going to get dinner next week.
it wasn't until i got home and really thought about my night that i realized how great of a date it was! i'm so used to going out with men who are seeing how soon they can stick me with their D. it was so refreshing to enjoy his company and not feel pressured to do more than i wanted to do. i don't know how well of a fit we are, but he made a good enough impression that i look forward to seeing him again and getting to know him better. yay!
new week, new blog. there's been a lull in my dating life between the holidays and traveling for work, but i've kept busy...
(and by busy, i mean i got some.)
when my BFF was home visiting, she introduced me to an app called "tinder". tinder is a free app. facebook meets hot or not. you have the option of swiping photos that you do and do not like. similar facebook interests and even mutual friends are shown too. if you both swipe that you like each other, you match, and you're able to communicate. let me tell you... this shit is way addictive. swipe swipe swipe, sometimes accidentally swiping people no that you meant to swipe yes. also, don't reply right away. apparently, there's an art to tinder-ing. of all the men i swiped yes, there was one hottie mchotterson. he reminded me of this goth scene dude i had a major crush on when i was a teen. everyone who i showed his picture to agreed he's a hottie. we chatted on tinder here and there and figured we'd get together eventually.
new years eve, i went to bumfuck MD for a casino game night at a friends house. just me and 6 of my gay friends. it was perfect! as the night progressed on, the tinder dude started texting me and urging me to come over. normally i would say hell no... but everything was yelling HELL YES! i showed his picture to my friends and they told me GO! didn't hurt i was an hour from home and tinder dude lived 20 minutes away from my friend.
so i get to his house and wow......... this guy is FINE. jersey shore-ish. a bit taller than me, nice hair, humongous arms, tight body. he's from DC but he's italian and he has a jersey accent. we get to talking and he tells me he's irish catholic and has 11 brothers and sisters. whoa.
(and since his name begins with a "J", i tell him that his nickname is john dugger.)
he was cute and interesting, but his hosting skills sucked. he had 1 beer in the house and a box of condoms... nice to see he prepared for something, i guess. good job at the NIH, his own home, his own car... yes i can work with this. and i'm going to be good. i'm only going to make out with him. i am interested in this guy and we all know that sleeping together when you first meet is a no no.
all that was fine and dandy until we began making out. do i let him touch my boobs? oh shit, my nipple is in his mouth, okay......... and then i made that fatal mistake. i touched his penis.
now, i'm no size queen, but i'm a curvy gal and i prefer a "larger" man. sure, i've dated dudes that were smaller and that's ok, but i need a sneak peek of what i'm in store for, so i know for next time.
let me tell you... i saw his penis and i exclaimed "WELL THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING". think of a corona bottle. add about 2 inches in length and and inch in diameter and there you go. a true italian sausage.
(god bless america, mexico, DC, italy, and his parents for making this beautiful man)
we went thru the box of condoms that morning, new year's day... sex at 5am. sleep. sex at 7am. sleep. 9am he jacks himself off (what's up with men doing that?!). sleep. sex at 11am. sleep. at 2pm i woke up and headed home. we literally moved the bed from one side of the room to the other. it's a good thing his brother and his roommate were gone for the night.
shocker... he's been too busy to really even text me. i'm not mad. i've learned since then that tinder is really more like a casual sex app. grindr for straight folks. i don't regret what i did but i'm disappointed that john dugger also doesn't grasp the concept of foreplay. oh, and i left my brand new amazing scarf i got for christmas at his house. boo.
will i get my scarf back? i freaking hope so. everytime i've asked, i've been met with "i'm busy as fuck." yup. i won't see that scarf again.
i told him to mail it to me.
i will say this -- i've read that how you spend your new year's day will dictate how your year will go. by that logic, i will be getting a lot of azz in 2014. good for me, and great for my readers!
update 3/7/2014: THE SCARF CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This week were talking about foreplay, and how it can be really really good or really really bad. Women and men are very different. Many men are able to "get it up" and be ready to go right away. Where as women need to "preheat your oven". Now, I realize everyone is different, but I'm being very general here.
There's this guy I've known for years, we will call him the Rapper. We met through mutual friends and went on a date several years ago. He kissed me and I got very irritated with him because I wasn't feeling it. And I don't like to move too fast when I'm dating. I've seen him over the years and we've managed to be friendly, I would consider him a good acquaintance. Over Thanksgiving break, we ran into each other at a bar, and he asked me on a date. He is looking cuter than before so I said yes.
It was a great date. He took me to really nice restaurant, however, he was being a little cheap. He ordered an appetizer and then said well that should be enough food so let's just get a side of okra. I was laughing in my head. After dinner he walked me to my car, I was having a good time so we ended up sitting to my car in talking which led to making out for two hours. People were walking by and laughing at us but I paid $20 to park in the garage, all night long, so I was making the most of that 20 bucks.
Afterwards I drove him home and made the fatal mistake of asking to use his bathroom. I really had to go, like I would pee myself, but I really should just peed on myself. We started making out and the next thing I know he grabs a condom. I asked "why do you need a condom?" He told me "just in case" but I explain there would be no reason for one. We continue to make out and then hear the condom wrapper open. I say "why did you open up the condom?" He said "I thought it was okay and you're ready to have sex" I said "no! I told you we weren't having sex". His reply? "But I already open the condom." That fucking pissed me off. Are you fucking kidding me? How much is a condom cost? A dollar. So I told them "okay fine if you can make me come I will have sex with you."
Now backing up for a second when we had our 2 hour long make out session, he kept telling me how much he loved performing oral sex. Well you could've fooled me! He went down on me for three minutes and then said "did you come yet?" Hmmm.... No. So back down he goes, three minutes later, again "did you come yet?" Are you kidding me? I told him "you will know when that happens." He was way too eager, and a liar. Either he really doesn't like going down on girls or is not very good at it. But somehow someway I did finally have an orgasm. We had sex, it really sucked. I regretted it at the moment it was done.
The next day, he texted me after I got home and told me he had no expectations for our date. But I disagree. I was very clear that I didn't want to have sex too soon but he was very pushy. It's not like he raped me or anything, but obviously he did not listen. He's a good guy, but he needs a woman who is a pushover. I don't think he can handle a strong woman like me. We are mismatched in what he's looking for. And that is okay! Not everyone is meant for everyone.
But to my readers, please understand that foreplay is vital. Women take time to get in the mood for passion. Take your time with us.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! i wish you the best for a happy, safe, and healthy 2014. sorry for not updating last week, i chose to spend the day celebrating christmas with my family... moving forward, this blog will be updated every wednesday!!
(it's nice to know that my blog was missed last week... operation internet celebrity is a go.)
this week, we're talking about how i was a horrible date and if this guy had a dating blog, he would have probably written about ME!!! really, it was awkward all the way around.
we met up at a DC bar post holiday bar crawl with my bestie and her work friends. i was already toasty when i met up with him plus i was nervous... and one of my girlfriends was bartending. it was like an axis of aweome foreshadowing some terrific adventure. and by terrific, i mean terrible.
we will call him... tattoo chef. TC works at a nice restaurant in DC and is covered in tattoos. tall, teddy bear guy. not really my type but my type hasn't worked for me in the past so there you go. i'm being open minded. we had some drinks, chit chatted... yadda yadda... next thing i know, the bar is closed and i am totally shit faced. there is no way i am driving home, so TC offers to let me crash at his house. i really didn't want to, but my options were that or sleeping in my car... and it's fucking cold in DC. so i stumble back to his house, walking into walls, and trying not to be so obvious by closing one eye so i can see where i'm going.
we get to his house and we are in his bedroom... he brings me a cup of water and goes to the bathroom. i proceed to puke into my glass of water and some got on his bed... OMG... so now i'm freaking out, trying to hide my puke water while cleaning up the puke stain on the bed. i manage to slide past him into the bathroom, where i clean out my glass and chug a couple glasses of water for good measure. and now i'm back in his room, we are making out... i was really too drunk to even do that so i roll over and try to be still as my stomach is fighting to dispell everything i have ever eaten or drank in my entire 31 years.
this is where is gets (more) awkward. TC pulls out his penis and starts jacking off... he cums, and then goes to sleep. in my drunken state i'm like whatever... but thinking about it later after i'd sobered up, i want to know... WHO DOES THAT?
the next morning, we wake up and he's an hour late to work. i feel like i'm still drunk and i want to die. we walk into his living room to leave and we're greeted by his roommate and the roommate's girlfriend. they seemed surprised that TC has a lady with him and they were super friendly and trying to engage me. i just wanted to get outside before i projectile vomited all over their pristine home.
TC and i said our goodbyes... he didn't offer to walk me to my car but i let that one slide. he was late to work and i needed to get away from him in case i went pukey mcpukerson again. i got home and drank another liter of water and started peeling off my clothes. i couldn't figure out why it still smelled like puke... until i took off my boots. somehow, when i had puked into my glass and on his bed, i also managed to puke into my boots. the inside of the boot was covered in vomit. absolutely disgusting!!!!! those boots went straight in the trash.
i spent the rest of that day feeling like death. it was horrible. one of my closest friends was celebrating his birthday and i lasted all of 30 minutes at his dinner party. i swore off alcohol for life, but i've come around. in the future, i know that 8 jack and cokes, 1 irish car bomb, and a ham sandwich for dinner will not cut it.
this week's blog is about unrequited love, second chances, and looking like an asshole. here's a song to enjoy while you read:
in an attempt to get healthier, i joined a bougie $72 a month gym that was full of hot bodies, fancy workout machines, and some really killer yoga and pilates classes. after only being a gym member for a couple weeks, i noticed a guy and thought he was really cute. tall, black, very thin, handsome face. i often had staring contests with the back of his head and of course would quickly look away when he did recognize i was staring at him. this went on for a couple of months, because i'm overly shy and have a fear of rejection.
one day, to my excitement and surprise, the gym man got up on the treadmill next to me and we started talking. he asked me about my tattoos as a way to break the ice and we made plans to see each other again at the gym. i hadn't planned on going to the gym that next day as i had a party, but i really wanted to run into him again so off i went. we connected the following day, exchanged phone numbers, and made plans to go on a date.
our first date he took me out for sushi and we walked around the waterfront. really awesome date! i did break my rule and i kissed him on the first date.
(my rule is if i really like you, i don't kiss you on the first date)
we dated for about 2 months. i was really starting to develop strong feelings for him and fantasizing about him being my boyfriend. since he wasn't bringing it up i decided that 2 months was long enough.... so i broached the subject and basically was told that he was not looking for a relationship, that he's still hung up on ex-girlfriend. i was very hurt and that was the end of that. that was last summer.
now, gym man was always very good about checking in on you. even though things didn't work out the first time, he still texted me on my birthday and thanksgiving and he seemed genuinely interested in me and my life. i remember driving home from the bar thanksgiving night last year and we were exchanging flirty texts, and that was where things picked up again. but this time it was different. he was more involved, there were more dates, and more sleepover parties. i was really feeling like things were finally beginning to work in my favor.
fast forward to february 2013, i expressed to him i thought it was weird that i have never met any of his friends
before. between this time and last time, we've been dating 4 months, he's met my sister and even my bestie from kansas city. so lo and behold, the next time we talk, he invites me to friends superbowl party. i'm so excited that i cancel my own superbowl party!
(it's ok, only one person RSVPED)
i get to go meet his friends who all seemed to like me, we had an amazing time at the party. i'm feeling like i've finally met a guy who i think is super cute, i'm crazy about him, he makes me want to go to the gym more, and all around pretty postitive things. my sister really liked him too.
a couple weeks after the superbowl party, i started to get ansty again. i wasn't sure where we stood and he wasn't saying anything to me. i'm feeling some kind of way and i need to know what he's feeling. so i talked to him and he basically told me he wasn't ready. AGAIN. at this point i'm floored because i feel like a fucking idiot for not only dating him once and having him do that, but dating him a second time. he told me that he still was hanging out with his ex, as friends. they weren't intimate but they did go on weekly costco trips together because they shared a membership. and she was a manipulator and he was unable to get away from her. what a fucking bag of testicles.
(street justice?)
i kinda let him off the hook a bit. i tend to be bitchy with people i'm not as close to, whereas the people i am close to i'm a pussy around them. i need to switch that up... anyway...
so i'm all FUCK THIS GUY. i was sad, gave myself a month, and i moved on. i blocked him on facebook, i deleted his number from my phone, i excorcised him from my life because that's what you gotta do sometimes.
last week, i got a text from a number i don't recognize asking me something about the redskins. my curiousity is piqued. i ask who it is and after a couple back and forth texts of them not wanting to say who it is, they reply and say it's the gym man. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? OMG. *sigh*
in an asshole fashion, i kinda pick at him and tell him he's an idiot because i'm the best woman ever, he had TWO chances with me, and he blew both of them! i did also send him a picture of me looking all sexy in mexico, on the beach in a hammock, with my nice juicy booty in the air and said "YOU COULD HAVE HAD THIS". maybe that was a little bit mean, but fuck him. he fucking deserves that shit.
(i mean, seriously. i am someone's dream girl.)
at this point, i feel like i've made him feel like a fucking douchebag tool. while i can honestly say that i'm not into revenge, i did take some pleasure in making him feel like shit and letting him know that he isn't privy to my facebook, that i don't even give him a second thought because he's not in my phone, and i really hope that he thinks twice when he dates the next girl and does the same shit to her.
gym man's problem is that he's obsessed with his ex-girlfriend. i just don't get it and i don't say this to be hating on other women, but i find that a lot of the guys i tend to date go for the mousey girls. and i'm far from mousey. i have a big personality, i'm gorgeous, i dress well, i try to be put together. i run a successful business, i have my own car, a stable home... i'm a catch. i think that guys just can't handle all this! they seem to want a women who looks like a "what not to wear" reject and has more issues than national geographic.
i'm sure there are things are putting out there too, i'm not completely blameless here. i have dad issues, a fear of abandonment, getting clingy sometimes... just a desire to be loved, but at what cost, really? i look at me and i look at these women and i wonder, are they easier?
perhaps that's just how it goes. for now, i can say that i really have no feelings either way about gym man. but it's pretty fucking funny, and there will be no third chance with me, bitch.
